You Dirty Green Little Monster, I’m On To You

I’m going to be honest with y’all…I’m filled with insecurities.

I remember sitting at a Beth Moore “So Long Insecurity” conference when I was in high school and looking over at my now sister-in-law saying, “I don’t feel like I’m insecure.” to which she replied, “Me either.”

With a shrug of our shoulders we went back to listening, but it was at that conference that I had an “aha” moment and realized, oh wow I am insecure. Maybe I just never understood the meaning of the word insecure.

What an annoying little backstabbing voice that lives deep inside our minds. He perches himself on our shoulders for a beautiful view to destroy us in. My mom calls him the little green monster. It’s ugly, trust me.

The little green monster, at one point, convinced me I wasn’t healthy enough and weighed too much so I started living on cans of vegetables and one granola bar a day. That darn little green monster sat on my shoulder and pointed at my body in the mirror and made sure I saw every flaw. He picked and prodded until I had lost over thirty pounds that I could not afford to lose. He giggled as my health continued to decline, my vision blurred, my hearing dissipated. He knew despite all of that, I would still yearn to lose more weight.

Why, you dirty backstabbing little green monster. I know what you’re up to.

Eventually I saw myself for what I was becoming, a skeleton. It was horrific and disturbing. It was as if the blinders were lifted from my eyes and I literally went and ate a cookie immediately upon seeing myself.

That internal battle to refuse food still lives deep inside me. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I crave it. Crazy, I know, but it’s hard to explain.

It wasn’t enough to have won that battle, no that darn thing came back with a vengeance. It’s new target? My age.

You see, I am only 20 years old. I am a senior in college, about to graduate in May and truly feel like I am older than that. Sometimes my age can be my biggest weakness, sometimes it’s actually not that big of deal, but that little dude has the guts to look me in the eye and say that my age is my downfall, that I am not enough because people will always look down on me because of it.

It really isn’t fair that he jumps up and down when a rare person comes along and uses it against me. He isn’t fair though, I figured that out quickly. It gets so frustrating when those that I love remind me it is all in my head because I know that, but somehow that dirty green monster pops up in the worst of times. Family functions, dinner with friends, wedding showers…he knows no bounds people, let me tell you.

He is not your average kid brother pestering, he is evil wrapped in a funny coat of green hair that sticks up straight.

So how do you combat this annoying little dude? Gosh, I wish I knew…but I don’t. I know someone who does however.

God. 

You see when green guy says you aren’t enough, God says ah but you are, you are more than enough.

When the nasty munchkin says you don’t deserve anything good, God says you deserve the best.

When the little green dumpling says wow what a failure, God says wow look at my masterpiece.

So when he tells me my age is my weakness, God says He will turn that around and use it as my strength.

God reminded me of this:

“Josiah was 8 years old when he became king…” (2 Kings 22:10)

“Moses was 80 years old and Aaron 83 when they spoke to Pharaoh.” (Exodus 7:7)

God reminded me that no matter how young or how old, He can use you to lead in powerful amazing ways.

I truly love to learn others’ stories. Even more so, I am passionate about telling their stories. When they pour out their hearts, I soak every drop in, because I want to help tell their stories in beautiful ways so others can feel that love we are all meant to share. God wants us to be broken together, in our hardships, in our insecurities, in our successes, in our failures. I have no idea where this concept of being “perfectly put together” came from because well, we are human, that’s just not possible.

I met an amazing woman the other night at a wedding shower and we began talking about how we wish girls could be friends with each other the way our significant others and their friends could be. It’s amazing, after all of these years, those guys get together and they love each other. If y’all are reading this, don’t worry, your bromance isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s commendable actually. I’m quite jealous.

This woman began talking about how mean we girls can be. Let me just be frank and say that this woman was drop dead gorgeous and quite honestly the sweetest woman ever.

She explained how some girls think she has her entire life together. To be honest, yeah, I thought that about her. She is married to a good man, has two beautiful children, an awesome home, a great job, she’s beautiful, you know…what every woman aims for basically.

She went on and said she wishes that girls could see what goes on in her head though. To see her insecurities and her struggles.

I think that is a wonderful example of a woman who is not afraid to let others know that she is actually not perfect, that she doesn’t have it all together, that she struggles just like us.

That little green monster will live on unfortunately and he will face us in battle the moment we wake up in the morning. Thankfully, we have our heavenly Father on our side. I don’t know if you know this or not, but…the word is He already won the war. We can rejoice in that and join together to face our little green monsters together. We can lift each other up, we can encourage one another in the face of our greatest insecurities.

Ephesians 6:10-18New International Version (NIV)

The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Take up your armor y’all and smile a little bit. God wants us to be happy. I wish I knew how many times joy comes up in the bible, but I know it’s a lot. That means something. Be joyful and live unashamed and secure in the fact that our God loves us, He knows us, He is with us.

-Hayley-mountains

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